Pass the Duct Tape Please

I remember as a teenager being embarrassed by things my Mother would say. "Mooooooom" I would exclaim as I shrank as small as I could and hoped no one noticed I was with my Mother, "Why do you have to embarrass me all the time?" "Don't be silly" she would say, "are you on your period?" I wanted to die.

I wondered why my Mom and others felt the need to discuss our pimples or the boys we liked in public. Did they want us to be mortified? This along with other overwhelming evidence convinced me that indeed my parents were clueless about life. How did they ever survive without me?

After turning 50 I started to realize why Mom said these things. She was experiencing what I call menopausal motor mouth - the hormonally induced inability to shut up. This extra aging bonus takes those things in your head that aren't meant to be said out loud and pushes them out of your mouth while your brain is saying to yourself, "I can't believe I'm saying this and why can't I stop?" Pass the duct tape!

Menopausal motor mouth (mmm) can be especially harmful to your career. For those of us who have worked to gain respect and position in the corporate world one uncontrollable bout of mmm can instantly destroy years of effort.  Simply put, Corporate politics and mmm do not play nicely together.

Since duct tape doesn't qualify as an accessory in the fashion world another strategy is necessary.  Here's mine:  every time I feel like my eyeballs begin to swell (a sure sign that mmm is about to begin) I feign a pee. Seriously, everyone expects women my age to pee all the time, but have a little bout of mmm and eyebrows begin to raise!  Don't they know it is all part of the same thing?

Next time you wonder why women get all those lines around their lips when they age, think about how difficult it is to keep the mmm from coming out.  Holding in the mmm at the top and the gas at the bottom can take an enormous amount of control that generally results in pursed lips and furrowed eyebrows.  No wonder the plastic surgeons are making so much money! 

Did I say that?