But here I am....smack in the middle of a shitty life. A lonely, isolated, empty, painful, overworked, unappreciated shitty life. Today it is Saturday. It is the day when I don't have to shower, dress and drive to a place where no one cares about me but they fake caring so that I will perform and make them look good. So here I sit. Alone and miserable - trapped.
My marriage starting falling apart last year. Actually it started falling apart prior to that, I just didn't want to admit it. My husband got fired 6 weeks before we wed and I convinced myself that the reason he never touched me and didn't look at me with love in his eyes was because he was depressed over losing his job. I was wrong. He didn't look at me that way anymore because he had no love in his heart for me which became apparent when his daughter moved into our home and became the "leading lady" in his life. I was demoted to understudy; left in the kitchen to cook or at the computer to pay the expenses for the life he enjoyed with his daughter.
Now I am trapped.
My husband moved out after I spent a year of my life drunk trying to avoid dealing with the reality of his rejection. It all came to a head when I insisted that his daughter move out. I hoped we might have a chance, but as soon as the love of his life was gone, so was he. My husband withdrew from me emotionally and the harder I pushed him to interact the worse it became. I did some horrible
things trying to get his attention, ultimately pushing him into moving out of our home.
Now I am trapped.
My husband and I built a lifestyle together that he walked away from. He doesn't help pay for our bills, our animals, our mortgage, anything. He is off doing what he always does - pretending that all
that matters is today and believing that if he can dance everyday, all will be fine. ( he is a Dance teacher). All the pressure, all the responsibility, all the worry is on me. He can go out every night
dancing and it is not questioned. If I go out dancing, I am "looking for love" or I am questioned as to why my husband isn't with me. Recently, I found out he had booked a room at a local dance event even though he cannot help pay for the dog's flea and tick medication......
Now I am trapped.
I tried to sell the house so I could get out from underneath the financial strain but it won't sell. I can't move near my family and my husbands family no longer acknowledges my existence.
Now I am trapped.
Did I sat that?
